What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 30.06.2025 06:25
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
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We were not on the streets..
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
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I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
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Especially a lifetime of it.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
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All the time i was locked up.
I was scared of men, in general
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I never cut or harmed myself..
Are female judges more lenient than male ones?
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
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He was dying to do it , i knew.
She loved him until the end.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
This is soul school!.
But ive been too sick for many years..
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
She wouldn,t have been !
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
My life is so biszare .
But, we were locked up after school.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
As i do to all so called friends.?
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
She found it foreign!.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I will be 64.
Ive learnt so much.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
We all went to grammer schools
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
One cannot live in the past .
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I said to her
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
What did i know ?
(And it was in our own minds.)
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I have no regrets .
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I couldn’t, believe it.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
So whats the point in blame.
Im still living with it.
It was going to be , some day.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I was seconnd youngest,
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
My family never makes their pension either.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I think the readers, may guess!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
But it wasn’t much.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I waited trembling.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Comes on , in middle age.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
He knew the spot.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Why did i forgive my father ?
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I write beautiful poetry .
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I was 9 years of age.
And i lived it daily.
When she asked me how she looked .
I was very sick at this time too.
He resisted the act ,that day.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
So, i spoilt her more .
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Was to survive, this bastard.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I don,t even have a pension.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
She was in good health!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
She married twice! .
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Who then, do I blame.?
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Would this be the day?
I could never make a relationship work though!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Put me off passion for life!!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..